I'm not sure what I am feeling. I dont know if I'm still in love or just obsessed. Both are shameful feelings that I hate to admit even to myself. SOme days I am so crippled by the thought of her not loving me back as I do her, other days I hate her so much that I feel sorry for the next who falls victim to her lies. And then there are those days where she doesnt cross my mind at all, well, never at all maybe just once or twice, but I dont have any about her one way or the other. Getting over a first love is hard. I can honestly say I'd rather have my period everyday for a year, than feel this shit again. How can I hate her so much for the things she has done then, at the same time, love her more than words can explain? I need to get over her. Thats for sure, cause being in love by yourself is the worst thing that can you can do. Need to get started on this long menstration. The next person will be worthy and more than qualified to fill the position of queen of my heart. I know the job description and what qualities they need to possess. But is it crazy that I want the next person to posses some of the qualities she had? Even the asshole ways? I.D.K! But being in love with someone who is no longer in love with me is not happening. I refuse to hop into a new relationship just because, or to try and keep my mind off of her. I want to get over her on my own. Without the NEED for someone to be there to fill a void. That is so lame, weak bitch shit for real. Some people will disagree but thats only because they know they've been that bitch before. I have too, shit but nap the fuck out of it. I am in love with my ex, this I know. But sit around and waste away because my ghetto fairytale ended I refuse. Well I'm done venting for now....until next time

Solid Foundation

Man blood this some real shit from the heart. FOR REAL! FOR REAL! I aint gonna be boosie and compare us to some cliche as famous duo, cause as you know, nobody got nothing on the bond we share. And to try and compare a couple that is even close, I can't even narrow, down the list. Our friendship was predetermined, you know we had no say in the matter of us meeting. How we met? Girl I cant even begin to tell the tale of how you were , DROPPED into my hands. But girl I would carry you any day. In anyway, to be to you what you have been for me. My rock, my shiny pet rock, my buddy and me, my dear friend to the a neverend-ing story.

If I was divided into four parts you'd be 2/4, so your more than anyone else could be if I could ever really be whole. Ironic as fuck how I got stuck being your friend. And now myself I cant unglue from you if I wanted to. Bitch! You are the shit, and I aint just saying this! If ever anyone needed a real ass ride or die HOMIE, nigga you it!

My favorite color is lime green, but I think I'm gonna change it to "yella". My YELLA BONE! Monica I joked around but your name fits you so well, not for anyone else but me. Yeah I'm being selfish, Monica. You MY NIGGA Monica....thats why I call you MANICCA! I dont think I need to ever get married, don't need to worry about somebody fully being there for me, cause girl you always got me! My knight in shining armor, holding down my emotionally fort. No you are the whole damn court. Everytime my grl breaches my security and unleashes the floodgates of my tears, you are there with your mop and bucket. Saying fuck it! My advisory board, telling me whether or not to give my love a second chance. My jester so that after the grief has subsided you turning flips and bringing the kool aid back to my face. I smile!

This past six months I have learned more about myself from you, than I have realized in my whole life. I am a bitch! I'm loving, compassionate, considerate, romantic, but still a bitch. And it is you that makes me realize this. You allow me to cry when I need to but never hesitate to say, "Ooh, girl!" Its when you say this that I know that I need to step back and see my own fault. Probably cause you are the same way, sad to say we are bitches. Not the baddest cause that saying is too played out, we some unstable creatures. But I have no doubt, that with our instability, we stabilize each other.

I dont think I would make this living arrangement with my mama, girl listening to you and your drama, I dont see why I complain sometimes. You are the prodigal friend, no offense to my other buddies, but this nigga right here, nigga! Manicca, you make me wanna rise above the bullshit I face and just grit my teeth and bear it. KiDeKamKayDeGram, need to thank you everyday for all that you do for them. And since they don't this is my thank you, my appreciation for the real friend you are. Know that if no one else knows it, or shows it, this nigga in cali loves you.

This lesbian aint on no homo shit in this letter, this is some grown woman love. Blood, I'm expressing how thankful I am to have you and to let you know that you got me. If I could we'd have a triple wedding. Me and Porsche, you And Dejon, and the me and you! Thats the truth, I think I'm gonna end it on that note, well maybe one more....

....In closing the best way to describe you is that you are my rock when I am stuck in a hard place.

dead last...

You know that saying, if you love something let it go, does that apply when they leave more than once? When you fear them leaving more than you see them stay? When do you walk away? When its easier for them to leave than to stay? What's the protocol of being in love? And if the answer is to leave then, give me the stepsto mend a broken heart. I have lovedand to my knowledge been loved, but treated as such, not long enough.This love shit aint hard when both parties give a fuck? It starts the same, and i finish last. Always the crying one the one still hanging on a dream. Why me? I love and I get lost. I want the finish line, where me and my team cross. Its like I touch the rope, and it breaks shatters and when I turn to look for my runningmate. There's nothing. Im in the three legged race with no partner. While the stands l.o.l. at my foolish moves. My partner untied herself a long time ago, but I missed it. Too busy being happy to even have a partner. To even be in the race. Thinking I made it to the finish line, when my race had ended before I knew. I'm sweating from carrying my own weight. And as defeat drowns my eyes i'm back in the stands. Cheering again for the winning team. Da team im never on. The race my team enters and I never complete. To many times my teammates supporters have taken my position in the track. I must not have big shoes to fill, must be one size fits all, cause variousrunners have replaced me. Or maybe this whole time I had it wrong. Maybe I'm the track the players practice on. So when they get their new team I'm the foundation on which their lives take change. So take me from the stands I'm looking up at the winneres. As their victory lands in my face. I aint no runner dont have no place. But I'm gonna sit here and be stepped on. And forgotten. I'll be in that race. Someone will see more than a test run. Someone will not see a track or someone in the stands. Theyw ill see their partner. Our victory. And I will be my own foundation. And that finish line streamer, will wrap around my partner and I as we embrace victory. All the past teams we been on that proved less promising. And as the seats empty, my the race is over. And my happily ever after begins...the end.

Too quick, too slow, and too resistant!

If I could sum up the behavior of you with one phrase, it would take me years of heartache to fully communicate the pain that you have caused my heart. I have almost forgotten the good times, I relive the bad, and no longer know why I fell in love with you in the first place. But still, I have racked my brain and to describe you in a phrase, based on your treatment of me during the past months is as follows:

"Quick to make excuses, slow to make the steps, and resistant to be a better person."

I entered into this relationship, with no secrets from you as to who I was. I came to you with my insecurities, and what triggered my fear of infidelity. You appeared to be kind, and willing to show me how love could be. You spoke to me that, with these guidelines to my heart you would comply to make the relationship work. Never to result to the disrespectful treatment, I had endured from lovers in the past. You held up that deal in the beginning, but soon tested our connection.

I will admit that I have made some mistakes, severe in the eyes of some, and for that I do apologize. You know what I am referring to. Never should I have let the lesser of me, get the best of me in any heated situation. But, still since I have made that promise to you, never to reach that level of anger again, you know that I have not. Despite the many things you say, do, and repeat that belittle me. I have remained the same individual, that has loved you since the beginning.

I have been nothing but upfront with you when it comes to what I am willing to accept in a relationship. I have voiced to you on several occasions, what things make me uncomfortable, and all that I expect from you. These things are little, you have admitted to that. Still the question remains, why are all of your promises temporary?

It seems as though I pour my heart out to you with things you have done that have caused my discomfort, and you agree to prevent them from happening again. Yet, for some reason or another, we end up arguing over that issue or something similiar at a later date, because you have gone back on your word. With you there are quick excuses as to why you went against the grain of our trust. Apologies come so late, that they end up having little to no meaning.

And yet, I have never taken anything you've said to be bullshit. I have given chance after chance, even vocalized to you what exactly it is that could be done to rectify any of the trying situations that may arise. But, you still don't seem to comprehend. Either that you don't get it, or you just don't care.

My heart won't allow me to believe that after all the times we've shared, that your compassion is gone. But the heart wants what the heart doesn't need. Tell me why is it that you are so slow to move, in the right direction when it comes to saving yourself from losing me? Honestly tell me. Let's be open and honest for once, not spare any feelings just put all thoughts and emotions on the table.

Do you really not care that when you go back on your word, a piece of me hates you? Do you want me to not trust any of the filthy promises that spew from the hole in your face? When I look at you through tear drenched eyes, does it make you feel any guilt? Does it make you want to take it back? When you are approached with a decision, do you consider how it may effect me? How many times have I told you, when you are in a committed relationship, the shit you do, effects someone else.

Tell me what you think my feelings are towards you, and why? Would you agree that I have ample right to feel some anymocity towards you? I love you, through all your fuck ups and flaws. I have loved you more than you deserve, based on what you give in return. If you love me as you say you do, then why hurt me?

What is there to think about when it's between what is right and wrong? To me there are no grey areas with that. Not to sound to corny, but treat me as though I'm a job that you love. You don't just not show up for work without calling, you do what needs to be done to keep that job, how come it seems so easy for you to lose me? Why are you so resistant to be a better person, in your relationships.

You tell me that your past lovers, just got fed up with your shit and left you. It's not that easy for me, I see the real you. I see that if only we could live without your friends influence, my familys' bullshit, we could be beautiful. Like we once were, during that time, when it was just me and you, and that was enough for us.

Don't think that I am blaming you for my feelings, I am a grown ass woman, a big girl if you will. I know that no one made me start this relationship with you, and no one is keeping me here with you, but myself. All that I ask of you right now is that you remove this,"fuck a bitch" facade, that your are trying to maintaine. You say it's not for your friends, well it doesn't arise until you've spent time with them. If they are to be the influential factors in determing your next move. Use them as examples of what not to do.

Look at there relationships,which one of any of them had something as good as what we have? Who among them can give you advice on your dealings with me, when none of them know me, or even know you really? Not to down your friends, but really which ones are on your level, much less the level the two of us are on? None of them have the goals me and you want, the drive to do more than, settle in the fucking slums.

But you are a product of your environment, and I bought that product. I have never been the type to return a purchase. I know that there is more to you, then what you are now, because I have seen it. The taste still fulfills my hunger. You are so beautiful to me, rough around the edges, but my work of perfection. I love you more than you or I can ever fully understand.

But, I am not willing to sacrifice myself for that love. If I have to love you from a distance and let this love die, so be it. Chuck it up as an experience, learn from, and move on, I will. But, not without a fight, know that. I've had my sword drawn for quite some time now, and my armor has taken a beating, but I look forward to what lies on the other side of the hill. Where it's me, you, and our dreams.

Stop being afraid to let go of what may have worked for you when you were younger, and grow up with me. Accept our love, for what it is, a blessing. How long can you live in someones bedroom, before you want your own home? When will you be done blowing checks in two days, and struggling the rest of the work week? Make some moves with me, let's give them something to talk about. Hate they will, but shit I want them to have much to hate on.

I'm closing this out with nothing more than, I love you. I hope we make but if not as I have said to you too many times...IT IS WHAT IT IS.

Threatened me!?!

All of this happened: I was filing her taxes. Needed more info to complete, make sure that everything was right. Also I needed her to go and pick up my w2s from our old apt,seeing as how she lives in the city that I previously lived in. She didnt answer her phone, I left her a message and I texted her. Time goes by I call again, the phone picks up and hangs up in my face. I text her again. Time goes by again. So I call and leave her a message. Now I mad, I admit that I cursed and was yelling, cause her track record is that everytime she gets some money in her pocket, she dont wanna answer(she got paid today). Sorry for assuming! My bad. Anyway so I text her and let her know that if she dont get her tax money she shouldnt ask me why.....i turned my phone off, went to clean my room. I check my messages four messages. #1 "bitch blah this bitch blah that. What if i was sleep what if I just didnt wanna talk to you?" (problem with this is that I wasnt calling to talk.) #2 "this is why i didnt wanna fuck back with you, cause you do shit like this."(never did nothing like this to her before, and why the fuck did you get back with me then?) #3 "all I know is that if I dont get my money and i dont get a phone call from you i will come out ther and beat your ass. And you just like me you dont have that many places to go, and you can go out of state but....." (okay wait wtf? this is what my response at the bottom is to keep reading" #4 "okay i have calmed down, after blowing my head off call me" (lol) oh wait another one #5 "call me let me know whats up with you" Ok so to start off let me get the first and foremost thing straight! BITCH I AINT SCARED OF YOU! Nothing that you have or nothing you can get a hold of. You know that song by lil scrappy and trillville. Weakest Link? "As far as I can see you a bitch to me! As far as I can see you a bitch to me! You the weakest link, GOODBYE! You the weakest link, goodbye!" LMAO! Yeah thats what played in my head as I listened to your bitch ass messages. You gonna come to my house and beat my ass? Yeah the fuck right. I laugh at those threats. Really! I been fucking with you for hmmm...almost two years and the only person I have ever heard of you going off on is me. And I do the least amount of shit to you. You dont flash on friends or family, from what I see. But let me say something and your simple ass take it the wrong way and you ready to cuss me out. You got me sooooooo fucked up its not even funny. Talking bout I aint got no where to go if you come looking for me? Bitch who the fuck said I was gonna run? What the fuck would I be running from? You a pussy ass nigga! Flash on your bitch, but wont flash on another muthafucking thing! You simple ass nigga, you need to wake the fuck up and realize that, I'm the most beneficial thing in your motherfucking life! Believe or not! You got the most done, and had the most out of the one year we were fucking with each other, than you had in the past 5! Please dont fucking try me! Dont think that cause Im a femme and you a stud that for some reason I need to be scared of you. Especially with your track record. Of being a scary ass bitch! Go ahead continue to cuss me out. I dont need to call you stupid no more cause you are smart. You choose your battles wisely(in your head). Dont trash talk the girl who threw your shit on the steps. The bitch who talked shit bout your gf on a daily basis. The fucking bitch who act like you beneath her government assisted grandma mooching ass! The bitch that would fucking die for you, muthafucka that was there trying to build a life, and make away with you. You got life so fucked up. I have said it before and I will say it again. You never gonna go nowhere but back to your best friends baby mama's house, sleeping on a couch or twin bed, cause everytime you get something good, YOU FIND A WAY TO FUCK IT UP! *****please note this was written out of anger, but it was thoroughly thought out. pretty much a reality check for you. i love you too much, to jeopardize anything we have, but dont think that I love you to much to be punked! I AINT NO PUNK, never have been never will fucking be. Femme or not, 5'2" I will not be punked by NOOOOOOOObody, so next time you try and make a threat! You better be ready to follow through on it!*****

Questions create anger

a conversation i recently had with someone

Ignorance, upsetting it is. But its cute how your ignorance makes you livid. The facts are there proof that there is no reason for you to be mad. But you continue to run your mouth about how angry you are about to be. Give me a break! What is wrong with simply pausing and saying, "Wait let me check the text messageyou sent."I have no problem talking things out with you but give me that chance. No longer do I get mad at you for not knowing what it is your talking about. Now I just thinks it hilarious. You must half ass read, because my text are real clear. How is it that by rereading the text, I can figure out your confusion? But you are refusing to reread the them. I mean it would prove your point. Have you ever realized that if you just pay attention, all this anger you have would be prevented? Who wants to argue? Shut up, listen, then speak. In this case, open the text, read the text FULLY and even slow if you have to, then respond. Thats what I do, then I reread it to make sure I understood what you said. And if I dont, guess what I do? I ASK YOU WTF you meant! Hell copy me. Let's avoid unneccessary arguments. Lets talk like adults, not rant like toddlers who dont get their way.

Inspiration: Mother

how much money you have in your pocket determines your mood

I'm praying for a homicide.

Tell the people that put money before humility, that its coming. The end is near!

I'm praying for the brutal murder of money hungry, fast cash grabbing, kill for a nickel or dime assholes!

Do you think that because you have a steady income, you can treat people like shit?

I understand that money is a neccessity to life, but that isnt all there is.

Cleanliness is next to godliness. Cleanliness in your life, not just your home. Does god care if your rich? BITCH!

Do you hear what I am saying?

It's not a fucking joke or something you should take lightly.

based on how you treat people, NOT HOW YOU THINK YOU TREAT PEOPLE,

If you lost all your money today, how many of your acquaintances would allow you a place to stay?

This mass murder won't effect those who wouldn't sell their soul for a buck.

This death camp is only taking in the punks.

Call em punks because like we've all seen before take away a rich jerks money, and watch him come crawling with his tail between his legs.

Funny how it goes both ways.

Want to know the truth about a person? Make them rich.

Tell me what you get then?

If I could put anyone up to a test of being, my test would be for them to hit the lotto.

Based on how their character is, then I'd know if they are worth my time.

I dont yet know the date, but the massacre is coming!

I'm not very religious, but I know the creator is listening.

Maybe he won't take it to my extremes and kill them all off.

Physically, maybe he'll just make them all lose their minds.

Stripping them of their riches.

Making them broke, BROKE BITCHES!

Now treat people with disrespect.

Build your home next door to the homeless man, you once turned your nose up to.

Speak with the same disgust as you did before.

Those times are coming and I cant wait.

And it wont just happen once.

Genocide!

Kill them all off until there are no more of them left.

And I scream:

"Death to those who think money makes them better than those without!"

"Death to those who put down rather than pick up others!"

"Fuck all those rude snobs! Fuck em to death!"