Too quick, too slow, and too resistant!

If I could sum up the behavior of you with one phrase, it would take me years of heartache to fully communicate the pain that you have caused my heart. I have almost forgotten the good times, I relive the bad, and no longer know why I fell in love with you in the first place. But still, I have racked my brain and to describe you in a phrase, based on your treatment of me during the past months is as follows:

"Quick to make excuses, slow to make the steps, and resistant to be a better person."

I entered into this relationship, with no secrets from you as to who I was. I came to you with my insecurities, and what triggered my fear of infidelity. You appeared to be kind, and willing to show me how love could be. You spoke to me that, with these guidelines to my heart you would comply to make the relationship work. Never to result to the disrespectful treatment, I had endured from lovers in the past. You held up that deal in the beginning, but soon tested our connection.

I will admit that I have made some mistakes, severe in the eyes of some, and for that I do apologize. You know what I am referring to. Never should I have let the lesser of me, get the best of me in any heated situation. But, still since I have made that promise to you, never to reach that level of anger again, you know that I have not. Despite the many things you say, do, and repeat that belittle me. I have remained the same individual, that has loved you since the beginning.

I have been nothing but upfront with you when it comes to what I am willing to accept in a relationship. I have voiced to you on several occasions, what things make me uncomfortable, and all that I expect from you. These things are little, you have admitted to that. Still the question remains, why are all of your promises temporary?

It seems as though I pour my heart out to you with things you have done that have caused my discomfort, and you agree to prevent them from happening again. Yet, for some reason or another, we end up arguing over that issue or something similiar at a later date, because you have gone back on your word. With you there are quick excuses as to why you went against the grain of our trust. Apologies come so late, that they end up having little to no meaning.

And yet, I have never taken anything you've said to be bullshit. I have given chance after chance, even vocalized to you what exactly it is that could be done to rectify any of the trying situations that may arise. But, you still don't seem to comprehend. Either that you don't get it, or you just don't care.

My heart won't allow me to believe that after all the times we've shared, that your compassion is gone. But the heart wants what the heart doesn't need. Tell me why is it that you are so slow to move, in the right direction when it comes to saving yourself from losing me? Honestly tell me. Let's be open and honest for once, not spare any feelings just put all thoughts and emotions on the table.

Do you really not care that when you go back on your word, a piece of me hates you? Do you want me to not trust any of the filthy promises that spew from the hole in your face? When I look at you through tear drenched eyes, does it make you feel any guilt? Does it make you want to take it back? When you are approached with a decision, do you consider how it may effect me? How many times have I told you, when you are in a committed relationship, the shit you do, effects someone else.

Tell me what you think my feelings are towards you, and why? Would you agree that I have ample right to feel some anymocity towards you? I love you, through all your fuck ups and flaws. I have loved you more than you deserve, based on what you give in return. If you love me as you say you do, then why hurt me?

What is there to think about when it's between what is right and wrong? To me there are no grey areas with that. Not to sound to corny, but treat me as though I'm a job that you love. You don't just not show up for work without calling, you do what needs to be done to keep that job, how come it seems so easy for you to lose me? Why are you so resistant to be a better person, in your relationships.

You tell me that your past lovers, just got fed up with your shit and left you. It's not that easy for me, I see the real you. I see that if only we could live without your friends influence, my familys' bullshit, we could be beautiful. Like we once were, during that time, when it was just me and you, and that was enough for us.

Don't think that I am blaming you for my feelings, I am a grown ass woman, a big girl if you will. I know that no one made me start this relationship with you, and no one is keeping me here with you, but myself. All that I ask of you right now is that you remove this,"fuck a bitch" facade, that your are trying to maintaine. You say it's not for your friends, well it doesn't arise until you've spent time with them. If they are to be the influential factors in determing your next move. Use them as examples of what not to do.

Look at there relationships,which one of any of them had something as good as what we have? Who among them can give you advice on your dealings with me, when none of them know me, or even know you really? Not to down your friends, but really which ones are on your level, much less the level the two of us are on? None of them have the goals me and you want, the drive to do more than, settle in the fucking slums.

But you are a product of your environment, and I bought that product. I have never been the type to return a purchase. I know that there is more to you, then what you are now, because I have seen it. The taste still fulfills my hunger. You are so beautiful to me, rough around the edges, but my work of perfection. I love you more than you or I can ever fully understand.

But, I am not willing to sacrifice myself for that love. If I have to love you from a distance and let this love die, so be it. Chuck it up as an experience, learn from, and move on, I will. But, not without a fight, know that. I've had my sword drawn for quite some time now, and my armor has taken a beating, but I look forward to what lies on the other side of the hill. Where it's me, you, and our dreams.

Stop being afraid to let go of what may have worked for you when you were younger, and grow up with me. Accept our love, for what it is, a blessing. How long can you live in someones bedroom, before you want your own home? When will you be done blowing checks in two days, and struggling the rest of the work week? Make some moves with me, let's give them something to talk about. Hate they will, but shit I want them to have much to hate on.

I'm closing this out with nothing more than, I love you. I hope we make but if not as I have said to you too many times...IT IS WHAT IT IS.