I'm not sure what I am feeling. I dont know if I'm still in love or just obsessed. Both are shameful feelings that I hate to admit even to myself. SOme days I am so crippled by the thought of her not loving me back as I do her, other days I hate her so much that I feel sorry for the next who falls victim to her lies. And then there are those days where she doesnt cross my mind at all, well, never at all maybe just once or twice, but I dont have any about her one way or the other. Getting over a first love is hard. I can honestly say I'd rather have my period everyday for a year, than feel this shit again. How can I hate her so much for the things she has done then, at the same time, love her more than words can explain? I need to get over her. Thats for sure, cause being in love by yourself is the worst thing that can you can do. Need to get started on this long menstration. The next person will be worthy and more than qualified to fill the position of queen of my heart. I know the job description and what qualities they need to possess. But is it crazy that I want the next person to posses some of the qualities she had? Even the asshole ways? I.D.K! But being in love with someone who is no longer in love with me is not happening. I refuse to hop into a new relationship just because, or to try and keep my mind off of her. I want to get over her on my own. Without the NEED for someone to be there to fill a void. That is so lame, weak bitch shit for real. Some people will disagree but thats only because they know they've been that bitch before. I have too, shit but nap the fuck out of it. I am in love with my ex, this I know. But sit around and waste away because my ghetto fairytale ended I refuse. Well I'm done venting for now....until next time

Solid Foundation

Man blood this some real shit from the heart. FOR REAL! FOR REAL! I aint gonna be boosie and compare us to some cliche as famous duo, cause as you know, nobody got nothing on the bond we share. And to try and compare a couple that is even close, I can't even narrow, down the list. Our friendship was predetermined, you know we had no say in the matter of us meeting. How we met? Girl I cant even begin to tell the tale of how you were , DROPPED into my hands. But girl I would carry you any day. In anyway, to be to you what you have been for me. My rock, my shiny pet rock, my buddy and me, my dear friend to the a neverend-ing story.

If I was divided into four parts you'd be 2/4, so your more than anyone else could be if I could ever really be whole. Ironic as fuck how I got stuck being your friend. And now myself I cant unglue from you if I wanted to. Bitch! You are the shit, and I aint just saying this! If ever anyone needed a real ass ride or die HOMIE, nigga you it!

My favorite color is lime green, but I think I'm gonna change it to "yella". My YELLA BONE! Monica I joked around but your name fits you so well, not for anyone else but me. Yeah I'm being selfish, Monica. You MY NIGGA Monica....thats why I call you MANICCA! I dont think I need to ever get married, don't need to worry about somebody fully being there for me, cause girl you always got me! My knight in shining armor, holding down my emotionally fort. No you are the whole damn court. Everytime my grl breaches my security and unleashes the floodgates of my tears, you are there with your mop and bucket. Saying fuck it! My advisory board, telling me whether or not to give my love a second chance. My jester so that after the grief has subsided you turning flips and bringing the kool aid back to my face. I smile!

This past six months I have learned more about myself from you, than I have realized in my whole life. I am a bitch! I'm loving, compassionate, considerate, romantic, but still a bitch. And it is you that makes me realize this. You allow me to cry when I need to but never hesitate to say, "Ooh, girl!" Its when you say this that I know that I need to step back and see my own fault. Probably cause you are the same way, sad to say we are bitches. Not the baddest cause that saying is too played out, we some unstable creatures. But I have no doubt, that with our instability, we stabilize each other.

I dont think I would make this living arrangement with my mama, girl listening to you and your drama, I dont see why I complain sometimes. You are the prodigal friend, no offense to my other buddies, but this nigga right here, nigga! Manicca, you make me wanna rise above the bullshit I face and just grit my teeth and bear it. KiDeKamKayDeGram, need to thank you everyday for all that you do for them. And since they don't this is my thank you, my appreciation for the real friend you are. Know that if no one else knows it, or shows it, this nigga in cali loves you.

This lesbian aint on no homo shit in this letter, this is some grown woman love. Blood, I'm expressing how thankful I am to have you and to let you know that you got me. If I could we'd have a triple wedding. Me and Porsche, you And Dejon, and the me and you! Thats the truth, I think I'm gonna end it on that note, well maybe one more....

....In closing the best way to describe you is that you are my rock when I am stuck in a hard place.

dead last...

You know that saying, if you love something let it go, does that apply when they leave more than once? When you fear them leaving more than you see them stay? When do you walk away? When its easier for them to leave than to stay? What's the protocol of being in love? And if the answer is to leave then, give me the stepsto mend a broken heart. I have lovedand to my knowledge been loved, but treated as such, not long enough.This love shit aint hard when both parties give a fuck? It starts the same, and i finish last. Always the crying one the one still hanging on a dream. Why me? I love and I get lost. I want the finish line, where me and my team cross. Its like I touch the rope, and it breaks shatters and when I turn to look for my runningmate. There's nothing. Im in the three legged race with no partner. While the stands l.o.l. at my foolish moves. My partner untied herself a long time ago, but I missed it. Too busy being happy to even have a partner. To even be in the race. Thinking I made it to the finish line, when my race had ended before I knew. I'm sweating from carrying my own weight. And as defeat drowns my eyes i'm back in the stands. Cheering again for the winning team. Da team im never on. The race my team enters and I never complete. To many times my teammates supporters have taken my position in the track. I must not have big shoes to fill, must be one size fits all, cause variousrunners have replaced me. Or maybe this whole time I had it wrong. Maybe I'm the track the players practice on. So when they get their new team I'm the foundation on which their lives take change. So take me from the stands I'm looking up at the winneres. As their victory lands in my face. I aint no runner dont have no place. But I'm gonna sit here and be stepped on. And forgotten. I'll be in that race. Someone will see more than a test run. Someone will not see a track or someone in the stands. Theyw ill see their partner. Our victory. And I will be my own foundation. And that finish line streamer, will wrap around my partner and I as we embrace victory. All the past teams we been on that proved less promising. And as the seats empty, my the race is over. And my happily ever after begins...the end.

Too quick, too slow, and too resistant!

If I could sum up the behavior of you with one phrase, it would take me years of heartache to fully communicate the pain that you have caused my heart. I have almost forgotten the good times, I relive the bad, and no longer know why I fell in love with you in the first place. But still, I have racked my brain and to describe you in a phrase, based on your treatment of me during the past months is as follows:

"Quick to make excuses, slow to make the steps, and resistant to be a better person."

I entered into this relationship, with no secrets from you as to who I was. I came to you with my insecurities, and what triggered my fear of infidelity. You appeared to be kind, and willing to show me how love could be. You spoke to me that, with these guidelines to my heart you would comply to make the relationship work. Never to result to the disrespectful treatment, I had endured from lovers in the past. You held up that deal in the beginning, but soon tested our connection.

I will admit that I have made some mistakes, severe in the eyes of some, and for that I do apologize. You know what I am referring to. Never should I have let the lesser of me, get the best of me in any heated situation. But, still since I have made that promise to you, never to reach that level of anger again, you know that I have not. Despite the many things you say, do, and repeat that belittle me. I have remained the same individual, that has loved you since the beginning.

I have been nothing but upfront with you when it comes to what I am willing to accept in a relationship. I have voiced to you on several occasions, what things make me uncomfortable, and all that I expect from you. These things are little, you have admitted to that. Still the question remains, why are all of your promises temporary?

It seems as though I pour my heart out to you with things you have done that have caused my discomfort, and you agree to prevent them from happening again. Yet, for some reason or another, we end up arguing over that issue or something similiar at a later date, because you have gone back on your word. With you there are quick excuses as to why you went against the grain of our trust. Apologies come so late, that they end up having little to no meaning.

And yet, I have never taken anything you've said to be bullshit. I have given chance after chance, even vocalized to you what exactly it is that could be done to rectify any of the trying situations that may arise. But, you still don't seem to comprehend. Either that you don't get it, or you just don't care.

My heart won't allow me to believe that after all the times we've shared, that your compassion is gone. But the heart wants what the heart doesn't need. Tell me why is it that you are so slow to move, in the right direction when it comes to saving yourself from losing me? Honestly tell me. Let's be open and honest for once, not spare any feelings just put all thoughts and emotions on the table.

Do you really not care that when you go back on your word, a piece of me hates you? Do you want me to not trust any of the filthy promises that spew from the hole in your face? When I look at you through tear drenched eyes, does it make you feel any guilt? Does it make you want to take it back? When you are approached with a decision, do you consider how it may effect me? How many times have I told you, when you are in a committed relationship, the shit you do, effects someone else.

Tell me what you think my feelings are towards you, and why? Would you agree that I have ample right to feel some anymocity towards you? I love you, through all your fuck ups and flaws. I have loved you more than you deserve, based on what you give in return. If you love me as you say you do, then why hurt me?

What is there to think about when it's between what is right and wrong? To me there are no grey areas with that. Not to sound to corny, but treat me as though I'm a job that you love. You don't just not show up for work without calling, you do what needs to be done to keep that job, how come it seems so easy for you to lose me? Why are you so resistant to be a better person, in your relationships.

You tell me that your past lovers, just got fed up with your shit and left you. It's not that easy for me, I see the real you. I see that if only we could live without your friends influence, my familys' bullshit, we could be beautiful. Like we once were, during that time, when it was just me and you, and that was enough for us.

Don't think that I am blaming you for my feelings, I am a grown ass woman, a big girl if you will. I know that no one made me start this relationship with you, and no one is keeping me here with you, but myself. All that I ask of you right now is that you remove this,"fuck a bitch" facade, that your are trying to maintaine. You say it's not for your friends, well it doesn't arise until you've spent time with them. If they are to be the influential factors in determing your next move. Use them as examples of what not to do.

Look at there relationships,which one of any of them had something as good as what we have? Who among them can give you advice on your dealings with me, when none of them know me, or even know you really? Not to down your friends, but really which ones are on your level, much less the level the two of us are on? None of them have the goals me and you want, the drive to do more than, settle in the fucking slums.

But you are a product of your environment, and I bought that product. I have never been the type to return a purchase. I know that there is more to you, then what you are now, because I have seen it. The taste still fulfills my hunger. You are so beautiful to me, rough around the edges, but my work of perfection. I love you more than you or I can ever fully understand.

But, I am not willing to sacrifice myself for that love. If I have to love you from a distance and let this love die, so be it. Chuck it up as an experience, learn from, and move on, I will. But, not without a fight, know that. I've had my sword drawn for quite some time now, and my armor has taken a beating, but I look forward to what lies on the other side of the hill. Where it's me, you, and our dreams.

Stop being afraid to let go of what may have worked for you when you were younger, and grow up with me. Accept our love, for what it is, a blessing. How long can you live in someones bedroom, before you want your own home? When will you be done blowing checks in two days, and struggling the rest of the work week? Make some moves with me, let's give them something to talk about. Hate they will, but shit I want them to have much to hate on.

I'm closing this out with nothing more than, I love you. I hope we make but if not as I have said to you too many times...IT IS WHAT IT IS.

Threatened me!?!

All of this happened: I was filing her taxes. Needed more info to complete, make sure that everything was right. Also I needed her to go and pick up my w2s from our old apt,seeing as how she lives in the city that I previously lived in. She didnt answer her phone, I left her a message and I texted her. Time goes by I call again, the phone picks up and hangs up in my face. I text her again. Time goes by again. So I call and leave her a message. Now I mad, I admit that I cursed and was yelling, cause her track record is that everytime she gets some money in her pocket, she dont wanna answer(she got paid today). Sorry for assuming! My bad. Anyway so I text her and let her know that if she dont get her tax money she shouldnt ask me why.....i turned my phone off, went to clean my room. I check my messages four messages. #1 "bitch blah this bitch blah that. What if i was sleep what if I just didnt wanna talk to you?" (problem with this is that I wasnt calling to talk.) #2 "this is why i didnt wanna fuck back with you, cause you do shit like this."(never did nothing like this to her before, and why the fuck did you get back with me then?) #3 "all I know is that if I dont get my money and i dont get a phone call from you i will come out ther and beat your ass. And you just like me you dont have that many places to go, and you can go out of state but....." (okay wait wtf? this is what my response at the bottom is to keep reading" #4 "okay i have calmed down, after blowing my head off call me" (lol) oh wait another one #5 "call me let me know whats up with you" Ok so to start off let me get the first and foremost thing straight! BITCH I AINT SCARED OF YOU! Nothing that you have or nothing you can get a hold of. You know that song by lil scrappy and trillville. Weakest Link? "As far as I can see you a bitch to me! As far as I can see you a bitch to me! You the weakest link, GOODBYE! You the weakest link, goodbye!" LMAO! Yeah thats what played in my head as I listened to your bitch ass messages. You gonna come to my house and beat my ass? Yeah the fuck right. I laugh at those threats. Really! I been fucking with you for hmmm...almost two years and the only person I have ever heard of you going off on is me. And I do the least amount of shit to you. You dont flash on friends or family, from what I see. But let me say something and your simple ass take it the wrong way and you ready to cuss me out. You got me sooooooo fucked up its not even funny. Talking bout I aint got no where to go if you come looking for me? Bitch who the fuck said I was gonna run? What the fuck would I be running from? You a pussy ass nigga! Flash on your bitch, but wont flash on another muthafucking thing! You simple ass nigga, you need to wake the fuck up and realize that, I'm the most beneficial thing in your motherfucking life! Believe or not! You got the most done, and had the most out of the one year we were fucking with each other, than you had in the past 5! Please dont fucking try me! Dont think that cause Im a femme and you a stud that for some reason I need to be scared of you. Especially with your track record. Of being a scary ass bitch! Go ahead continue to cuss me out. I dont need to call you stupid no more cause you are smart. You choose your battles wisely(in your head). Dont trash talk the girl who threw your shit on the steps. The bitch who talked shit bout your gf on a daily basis. The fucking bitch who act like you beneath her government assisted grandma mooching ass! The bitch that would fucking die for you, muthafucka that was there trying to build a life, and make away with you. You got life so fucked up. I have said it before and I will say it again. You never gonna go nowhere but back to your best friends baby mama's house, sleeping on a couch or twin bed, cause everytime you get something good, YOU FIND A WAY TO FUCK IT UP! *****please note this was written out of anger, but it was thoroughly thought out. pretty much a reality check for you. i love you too much, to jeopardize anything we have, but dont think that I love you to much to be punked! I AINT NO PUNK, never have been never will fucking be. Femme or not, 5'2" I will not be punked by NOOOOOOOObody, so next time you try and make a threat! You better be ready to follow through on it!*****

Questions create anger

a conversation i recently had with someone

Ignorance, upsetting it is. But its cute how your ignorance makes you livid. The facts are there proof that there is no reason for you to be mad. But you continue to run your mouth about how angry you are about to be. Give me a break! What is wrong with simply pausing and saying, "Wait let me check the text messageyou sent."I have no problem talking things out with you but give me that chance. No longer do I get mad at you for not knowing what it is your talking about. Now I just thinks it hilarious. You must half ass read, because my text are real clear. How is it that by rereading the text, I can figure out your confusion? But you are refusing to reread the them. I mean it would prove your point. Have you ever realized that if you just pay attention, all this anger you have would be prevented? Who wants to argue? Shut up, listen, then speak. In this case, open the text, read the text FULLY and even slow if you have to, then respond. Thats what I do, then I reread it to make sure I understood what you said. And if I dont, guess what I do? I ASK YOU WTF you meant! Hell copy me. Let's avoid unneccessary arguments. Lets talk like adults, not rant like toddlers who dont get their way.

Inspiration: Mother

how much money you have in your pocket determines your mood

I'm praying for a homicide.

Tell the people that put money before humility, that its coming. The end is near!

I'm praying for the brutal murder of money hungry, fast cash grabbing, kill for a nickel or dime assholes!

Do you think that because you have a steady income, you can treat people like shit?

I understand that money is a neccessity to life, but that isnt all there is.

Cleanliness is next to godliness. Cleanliness in your life, not just your home. Does god care if your rich? BITCH!

Do you hear what I am saying?

It's not a fucking joke or something you should take lightly.

based on how you treat people, NOT HOW YOU THINK YOU TREAT PEOPLE,

If you lost all your money today, how many of your acquaintances would allow you a place to stay?

This mass murder won't effect those who wouldn't sell their soul for a buck.

This death camp is only taking in the punks.

Call em punks because like we've all seen before take away a rich jerks money, and watch him come crawling with his tail between his legs.

Funny how it goes both ways.

Want to know the truth about a person? Make them rich.

Tell me what you get then?

If I could put anyone up to a test of being, my test would be for them to hit the lotto.

Based on how their character is, then I'd know if they are worth my time.

I dont yet know the date, but the massacre is coming!

I'm not very religious, but I know the creator is listening.

Maybe he won't take it to my extremes and kill them all off.

Physically, maybe he'll just make them all lose their minds.

Stripping them of their riches.

Making them broke, BROKE BITCHES!

Now treat people with disrespect.

Build your home next door to the homeless man, you once turned your nose up to.

Speak with the same disgust as you did before.

Those times are coming and I cant wait.

And it wont just happen once.

Genocide!

Kill them all off until there are no more of them left.

And I scream:

"Death to those who think money makes them better than those without!"

"Death to those who put down rather than pick up others!"

"Fuck all those rude snobs! Fuck em to death!"

thinking outloud

thinking outloud

So which one is it? Is it that when you love someone you let them go? Or is it that when you love someone you fight for them? This is my situation. For a period of time I had adapted to the needs of her because that was my fight. I kept getting to the point where I thought maybe I shouldn't, but I never left. Maybe I was too scared.

I know that I cant stay mad at a person for too long. I know that in relationships I always try to see the good in that person. My problem I would say is that I ave a lady and the tramp complex. I want a somewhat carefree selfish person to "magically" change their lives for me. to somehow find a sweet core to a hard shell. Someone who would love me so much that they'd let me in, where they have blocked all others out. What is my problem?

Why do I feel that someone wants me based on what they are willing to give up or change about themselves. Probably because, when I am in love that person, is worth me changing, so I expect the same. I love myself, so it's not a self esteem issue, but thats how I have always felt. With the next relationship I get, I want to meet somone who needs no life change. Basically someone who is all together emotionally and mentally.

Not someone who I have to ask the who, what, where, when, why, and how. Someone who can talk to me. Someone who automatically does this I guess I need a very verbal partner. I need to do the cliche, and take time to see what I want. Why I want it. And if it is the best for me. I'd hate to have to literally write it all down, bit for bit, but maybe thats the step I need to take.

I do know now that communication is the MOST important thing in a relationship with someone like me. Ans not that we just tralk but that we communicate WELL to each other. About anything. But yet as I realize this, I cant lie to myself. The heart wants what the heart wants, why is it that the brain and the heart can never be on the same page?

It's never this hard in the beginning of a relationship. Maybe its not about the brain and the heart being in agreement. Maybe you sould just remove yourself when the first sign of the two seperating occurs. With this eye opener what am I going to do?

Let it go? Let her go? Understand that it is her loss not mine? No one knows what the future holds. Maybe things will progress for us together, maybe seperate. But it is what it is, and shit definately happens for a reason.

Is it time for quits?

Both the femme and the stud are dumb asses!

You have got to be fucking kidding me. So the last time they seen each other was Monday February16, 2009 and they had an argument that day. It was the day that the stud called herself breaking up with the femme. AGAIN! I'm going to inform the people as to why she attempted this bullshit, backout.

The femme had plans for valentines day in advance, but but the studs auntie asked her to house sit. Yeah. So, the femme said sure , thats money they'd save on getting a room no problem.

Now on vday they made plans to meet at the bart station (like the subway in new york). The femme gets there after an hour drive and after an hour of wasting time bcause the stud wasnt ready to head to the station. The stud tells her that she is waiting on the next train to come. Now from where the stud was, it should have only taken her about 30 minutes, but an hour goes by. The femme calls, she texts and gets NO FUCKING RESPONSE. An hour and fifteen passes and the stud finally calls and tells the femme, that she is walking to the bart station now. Wow! The femme starts shouting," Are you fucking serious? I been waiting in the rain for an hour and you have the nerve to tell me you are not even on a train. Six fucking trains had passed and you didnt even have the desency to call or text to let me know?" Wow. But the stud sais she was on her way now, the femme let it go.

Hmmm. Hmmm. Waiting, waiting, and another hour roles around. Again the stud is not answering the phone or texting. The femme walks up and through the station to make sure that the stud isnt just waiting. But she doesnt see the stud.

The femme is approached by SEVERAL people who ask her why is whoever she is dating not with her? It makes her think the same thing. She has waited over an hour with no word from the stud. She thinks, "Why am I standing here looking like a sick puppy, for someone who hasnt even called to say they would be late?"

Now while she was standing there she tries to calm herself down. "What if the stud is trying to surprise the femme with a gift, and it is taking the stud longer than expected to get it?" She cools off. But as the next train passes and she sees that the stud aint on it, she boils again.

*****Oh, sidebar people, the femmes phone was off so she had to ask her ride mother to wait with her so that she could use there phone to keep in touch with the stud.*****

So yes if her ride wouldve left, that wouldve been 2 hours and 20 minutes that she stood in the rain in heels, with two bags waiting for the stud. Finally on her last walk through the station she sees the stud. The stud walking up empty handed, so really there was no reason for her to be late and not have called. The femme says nothing, turns and begin walking back to the car.

By this time she has changed into tennis shoes. What a black woman huh? lol. They get in the car, while in the car the studs phone rings she answers and says to who ever that her battery is dying she will text them and call them later. OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! The femme couldnt even get that treatment, and I thought the femme was the girlfriend. That was vday.

Vday weekend they pretty much fucked and argued. The monday they seperated on the femmes way home she was mad. Mad that her ride had been late, so she borrowed the phone and sent texts out to a few people. To the stud and her two bff's. One bff was at work, the other's phone disconnected. So the only person to text was the stud. No harm in that right? Wrong!!!

The femme asked the stud if they could meet up that following day. Why? Well because the femme had to come back to bring her mother the city the following day. And the femme would have no where to be, while her mother ran her errands. Now some would ask, well why doesnt the femme just stay with her mother during the errands. Well thats because her mother doesn't like people with her when she runs her errands.

Shockingly to the femme, the stud asks her for what? As in why does the femme want to see her. Of course the femme responds, "didnt know I needed a reason." 5 minutes pass and the text is still unanswered. The femme texts the stud a second message and says," guess thats a no." The stud says sure they can meet up, and continues on to ask, "is there anything else?"

Almost pissed the femme responds, "do I need a reason to text my own gf?" Wow. The stud says that she just wanted to know what what else the femme wanted. Ha! The femme was pissed now almost crying. She immediately texts back, "What I want is more than a sometimey gf! Someone who actually gives a fuck about me!" The stud snaps, and sends a text saying, "Fuck you, I am tired of you acting like I am not good enough for you. How bout this, you not good enogh for me, you werent then and you arent now. Its over, I'm not feeling you!" With a smile on her face but almost hurt, the femme replies, "oh shut up aint nobody breaking up with nobody."

Angered texts keep coming from the studs way. The femme tells the stud, that she is not breaking up with her. The femme feels that; for one her gf has no reason to be mad, two the femme thinks the stud wants to break up because the stud is hurt by what the femme said regarding a sometimey gf, and three because it is not gonna be done through a text message.

The femme tells the stud all of these reasons. The next day they talk and the stud still thinks they should break up. The femme replies, "I have put in too much work for us to just break up. But if you want to then lets meet like adults and you can say it to my face."

The stud agrees, but she is not too fond of the idea. Because the femme has thrown punches in previous HEATED arguments. Valid reason, of course. They continue to talk and restates her feelings to the stud. She honestly feels they are meant to be. The femme recalls the weekend, and recalls that all weekend she had made several comments, that would make the stud uneasy. No accusations, or anything regarding cheating, but still some unnerving comments.

The femme apologizes. The femme takes the blame for the arguments that occured during the weekend, and justifies her reason for wanting to see the stud, the following day. No more breaking up conversation has occured.

Now I want feedback. Anything, everything. What are your thoughts on this story?

Why I am the way I am Pt. 1 "virginity

So todays topic is: "The relationships that made me, me!"

Subtopic: Losing my virginity...

To start, I have always been a sexually curious female. I remember being as young as ten or eleven and watching the late night soft porn on Showtime. Watching these extreme dramatizations of the real thing is probably what made my first time so disappointing.

I was fifteen at the time. I met this guy online, he was nineteen, and yes he was experienced. We weren't in a relationship, hell I didn't even love him, barely liked him. Our "relationship" was late night phone calls, with me attempting to masturbate when, I didn't even know what it was supposed to feel like. I knew what it was like for my hormones to rage, and what made my cookies wet, but attempting to be more mature for my age I did whatever he asked me to do. So eventually I guess he got fed up with listening to the little girl pretend on the phone so he asked me, "When can I get in that?" I told him I didn't know. Not because I was flirting but because I actually didn't know. Was I ready? No. But I wasn't not ready either. Virginity was always so overrated to me anyway. Why does it have to be your first love, your high school sweetheart, and I KNEW I wasn't waiting until marriage. Looking back now, maybe if I had have opted to wait until it was one of those I would've enjoyed it. Well, still not the marriage part. But, back to topic.

I had been babysitting my moms' coworkers son every now and then so I decided, maybe I could sneak him over when the boy was asleep. That's how they did it in the movies, it couldn't hurt anyone. The day I went over to babysit, I had it all planned. Well not really, honestly everything was done in the moment. Anyway the little boy wasn't asleep. Shit! Fuck! Damn! I gave him some hot dogs, put him in his mothers room and turned on a movie.

Bam first obstacle taken care of. By this time my first had just arrived. He knocks on the door and I am so nervous that I hide behind it holding it open, like an idiot. We sat on the couch me blushing for no reason, and then he told me to take my pants off. Wow! All I remember thinking was, "Did I put lotion on today?" I did. I pulled my pants off, and he started to rub his finger on my clit. It felt so weird, like ugh. It didn't feel good or bad, I just didn't see the point. I guess he figured out that I wasn't to excited by this activity so he moved on and told me to go sit on thee "big couch". Damn he was country.

As I did this I could hear him do that tired ass attempt to smell his finger. I wanted to slap him and say, "MY PUSSY IS CLEAN YOU ASSHOLE!!!" But hey better safe than sorry I suppose. He came over and got onhis knees infront of me. "Oh my! I'm about to get ate out?" This is the thing that so many of my friends, aunts, elders have talked about the ULTIMATE orgasm. Yeah I was excited. But He stuck his tongue out a wiggled it rapidly on my clit. What the fuck? I thought to myself, this is what they talked about? It couldnt be. But he applied a little pressure and for a split second it was actually pleasurable. I say split second because that's exactly how long it lasted. It's like as soon as he sensed I enjoyed it, he stopped. I sat straight faced. Pissed. Irritated, ready to call it quits. But I wasn't putting myself up for the grounding and ass-whooping of a lifetime for some pointless fingering, and a unsatisfying sample of head. He told me to get on the floor. No pallet, no mattress, just carpet then me bare-assed. He got on top. And that Saturday November 16, 2002 at approximately nine o' three p.m. est. it began.

He slid in, it barely moved me. He thrust, he pumped, he rammed, all to no satisfaction of mine. I was a virgin, why didn't it hurt? Why aint I bleeding? Do I not have a cherry to be popped? Eight prolonged minutes later he came. The top of my head hurt from him pushing me into the couch. I had been wishing the whole time that somehow I would just slide under there, and escape this bullshit. He got up went to the bathroom. Then he came back and sat on the couch. I handed him the house phone, "You can call your ride now" I said. Not with an attitude but still firm enough so he knew I wasn't joking. He left, and I went to the bathroom to try and figure out what the hell had just happened. And as if it couldn't get any worse, the condom was floating, in the damn toilet.

That was the end of that. He tried to meet up with me again, on another one of my babysitting jobs, but I definately denied him that pleasure. He spared nothing when he told me how last time was my first time, and this time I was gonna enjoy it, because now I knew what it felt like. Yeah the fuck right! We chatted some after that on the phone only, but that quickly ended when in that following month, I found out that the entire time I was talking to him, he had been talking to my cousin. Everytime I went to school, she would either call him or he would call her. He even told me when she came over his house, described her outfit to the tee, EVEN THE FUCKING CAR SHE WAS DRIVING. But whatever, that was the first relationship...